Out-of-body experiences

I misunderstood it then, thinking it merely a curiosity to add to my list of quirks. I was in denial about the roots of the disassociation.

It was once common for me. I remember watching my body drive down a familiar dirt road, floating above the car. Watching my body sleeping on my bed. Listening to symphonies in the air while those trapped on the ground heard only violent arguing.

My hands would go numb as my consciousness fled to emotional safety.

I can’t quite remember all that my body experienced while my mind was away, but perhaps it’s better this way. Perhaps things can be forgiven without knowing quite what they were. I’m not too concerned with definitive answers, as they tend to be rare, especially in a family characterized by unspoken emotional burdens.

Giving birth brought me back. A new version of myself appeared as I roared a child from my womb. I could not escape; The only way out was through.

As I breastfed and faced the countless nights of interrupted sleep, the suppressed rage hit me - the years of emotional escape rushed back hard into my new body. I felt it all. I descended into an emotional hell. i wanted to die.

And then one day… I didn’t.

I felt okay.

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As always, the original posts I’m reflecting on (without these intros or commentary) will be freely available at hannaviolet.com/ramblings . The paywall will be here only on posts I feel particularly vulnerable about. Over the next few months (years?), I’ll be sharing my unusual path to healing by reflecting on my older writings, such as the following description from 2020 of a time when my consciousness would not cooperate with my body.